Like most people these days, one of my favorite pastimes is binge watching Netflix. But recently, I’ve started to run out of things I want to watch. I mean I did all the good 90’s shows I can find, sat through all of “Gossip Girl”, “Jessica Jones”, “The B in Apartment 13”, “One Tree Hill”. You get where this is going. Basically, I’ve watched an embarrassing amount Netflix.
And then recently, “13 Reasons Why” came out. I remember reading the book years ago. It was good in that way where it hurt to read and it left you thinking. But that was years ago, so I felt compelled to watch the series. And it was good, in that way where it left you hurting and made you think.
In this day in age, there is still such a stigma about mental health, especially discussing it publicly. Which is insane, because it’s something we all have in varying degrees and something we all struggle with from time to time. With public figures like Prince William and Lady Gaga starting to open up about their experiences, it seems as though this trend is changing, but not enough.
So I’m going to add my two cents.
I can tell you all that I engage in a battle with my mind on a daily basis. Actually, as a kid, I wrote an entire poem about it. Some days I win, some days I lose. Sometimes my win loss ratio is measured in hours, sometimes in minutes. There are whole weeks that go by that I feel a fake smile plastered on my face, pretending all is well, playing the role I know I need to. And those weeks are the worst. They’re incredibly taxing and exhausting. Those are the times I think my life will be nothing more than that darkness, and those feeling of emptiness. Those are the times I have no patience, my fuse is short and quick; I worry that the facade will break at any moment and that I’ll be found out. I go home by myself and I can’t make myself imagine a single person to call who can help me. And it’s not their fault. I’m either too weak or too stubborn to reach out.
Or maybe I know there’s really nothing they can do to help me.
So I think I can begin to understand the struggle. If it weren’t for my strong feelings of obligation, and the animals I’m obligated to, I don’t know where I’d be. And I don’t want to.
I was always the outsider. I still feel like I am. I never was one to fit in, in school, in life, no matter where I was. Middle school was a horror show, and high school was no better. Actually, most people I went to high school with don’t even know I was there. But invisible was a better option than some others, something “13 Reasons Why” is able to capture perfectly. I mean, high school sucks for most of us. Bullying and pressure to conform, or be outcast forever. So most people conform because they’d rather be alone together than alone by themselves. I lost a lot of friends that way.
But I wasn’t that girl.
See, I have this theory. I think that if high school doesn’t suck for you, if high school is a great time in your life, then I think that might be the best part for you. It might be the culmination. It might not get any better. Maybe it’s all downhill from there. And if this is your story, I’m so, so sorry.
For those of us that it sucked for, we had nowhere to go but up. Eventually. I mean, I’m still waiting, but I hope you’re not.
Each day of middle school, each day of high school, I had to remind myself, it was only temporary, just a few more years. And then I could redefine myself, be whoever I wanted to be. I think that’s why I was in such a rush to grow up and be an adult. I assumed that high school was just four years and adulthood was different. People would mature. It wouldn’t be so Means Girls. Then I got older and realized that all of life is high school. Business is just another high school clique. Social status, just the same. And don’t even get me started on social media.
But, at least as an adult, I get to choose where to put myself. I can choose to stay on my own. I can even choose my family. And there is where I am lucky. Those I’ve chosen are amazing. Even if I still refuse to reach out to them.
I think we all struggle with the same feelings. The loneliness, the self-doubt, the questions of worth. Some of us hide it, like me, and present a front that everything is great and wonderful, and even those closest to us never know the struggle. Others are brave enough to share and admit. But the world has ways of telling them that their expression makes them weak. They’re not, they’re strong. I envy and admire them. They’re the sensitive ones. They take everything to heart. But they’re also able to reach out to those who reside in that heart. They’re so open and and loving that I think everything the world throws at them hurts more. And I worry for them. I worry for their vulnerability.
See, we all have that one friend who needs our help just a little more, maybe even more than we can admit. Maybe they need us more than we can help.But we know because this little sensor in us lights up. I spend a lot of days living in fear for them. I worry that today will be the day they encounter that one extra thing that will make it all too much. I worry that I won’t have been able to do enough, to have a big enough effect. I worry that I wont be able to save them. I live in fear of the call. The call that they’re not there anymore, they they could no longer take it. I live in fear of the realization that I missed something, that I could have done more, that I could have been there for them and I wasn’t. I live in fear that I won’t see the signs, and I won’t have been a good enough friend.
I get off each crying phone call wondering if I did enough, if I helped enough. Was I supportive enough? I wonder if I’m seeing the signs, because I don’t want to look back and wonder if I should have seen it coming. I hope that they feel they can come to me. I hope they have the confidence that I can help them, even when I don’t. Because I’m not sure anything is ever enough.
I think our society has gotten itself into a bind. We have spent so much time encouraging independence, which is great, but we’ve forgotten to encourage interdependence. We spent so much time telling everyone to handle it themselves, to be their own master, that we’ve stopped people from connecting. We’ve inadvertently discouraged people from asking each other for help. We’ve forced our own isolation. And now we’re seeing the results of that culture. We’re too afraid to reach out; we can’t ask for the help we need. If we did, that might make us clingy, and needy, and all those horrible things we’re told we shouldn’t be. So we keep up the facade, and we drift further and further apart. And inside we fall apart.
The sad thing is that we all contribute to the problem. We’re all so self-obsessed. We forget about everyone around us. We forget that every action has an opposite and equal reaction. And our actions have a ripple effect on every person we encounter. Have you ever had a bad day, and had someone pass you in traffic and give you the finger? Ya, it sets you off, doesn’t it? Because it’s just one more thing, when you’re already at your max. What if, at that same moment, instead of cutting you off and flipping you off, that same someone offered to let you into their lane? How would that change your day? How would that small act of kindness change your perspective?
There’s this episode of “How I Met Your Mother” where Barney tells Marshall about the chain of screaming, or a circle, I think he changes the metaphor a few times. Regardless, it’s so true. The boss yells at the manger, who yells at the employee, who yells at his wife, who yells at his kid, who goes to school and yells at another kid, which makes the teacher yell at the parent, who yells at their spouse, and the circle starts all over again. All because we took our anger out on someone else who was already at their max capacity for shit. They couldn’t handle it, so they placed it on yet another person, who reached their max and offloaded it onto someone else, on and on and on. And we all do it! We all contribute!
And it’s time to stop.
What if your outburst becomes the straw that broke the camel’s back? What if you’ve directed your feelings of negativity at someone who couldn’t take anymore? What if they woke up that day praying for some sign of encouragement to keep them going? Would you even realize you were the final extra pound of weight that crushed that person’s soul? Would it change you? Would it make you learn to handle yourself differently?
Maybe you can’t save someone or change their mind through your words and actions. Maybe you can. But each and every day you can make the conscious choice to not contribute. It costs nothing to be kind. It doesn’t take anything away from your day to spread joy. And your one little act of kindness, well it makes the receiver of that kindness inadvertently want to do the same thing for someone else. And then that chain continues. But instead of a chain of screaming, it’s a chain of love and support. And you started it. Now how do you feel?
Go and watch “13 Reasons Why”. Think about the people you love. Remind yourself, who needs you? How can you be there for them, even before they’re at that critical point? What can you do to make sure you never have to wonder if you let them down? And then sit down and ask yourself how you can show up to the world so that you leave it a little bit better everyday, even if it’s just for one person. And let me know who you become.
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